Day #55: Kitty

July 10, 2011

First day in Oregon. We drove for like 10 hours. Oh my goodness. First thing we did was walk the beach. Then we walked to this adorable local pizza shop that everyone writes on the walls of. On the way back to the hotel we saw this cat and decided that she would be ours then proceeded to pet her for the next 15 minutes. She was a lovely cat, and I miss her dearly. 

-Kaylyn

Day #54: Busy

July 9, 2011

 Whoo, so busy. I left for the Oregon coast on vacation with my friend and her grandparents on Sunday, so we thought it would just be easier if I stayed the night Saturday night. So I washed my clothes and packed up again to leave. I keep all my bathroom things in this bag which makes me feel awesome to say the least. My friend senior willed it to me last year. Good times.

-Kaylyn

Day #53: Last Day of Youth Conference

July 8, 2011

I took this picture on the ride home hehe. 

The last day wasn't too bad since I was still feeling better from having a good night the night before. We cleaned the camp faster than expected so we got extra free time {omg.} But I actually talked to some new people between the guitars and the ukes and our singing. Then we had testimony meeting, which I was the first girl to get up and like the 5th person. Whenever the Spirit wants me to do something He makes my heart pound so that I am so uncomfortable I have to do it just to relax hahha.  So I did. Then we all went home, and it was kinda weird. It was like two different days, because I got home at oneish and slept until about 5 or 6 (which is crazy). It was a little silly, and I don't know how I feel about it. Kind of like how I don't know how to feel about youth conference as a whole..on the one hand it made me more depressed than I've been since before school got out, and on the other hand I felt like I did the day before youth conference which was the day I felt more optimistic than I had since I can even remember. I think I'm just going to resort to not thinking about it.

-Kaylyn

Day #52: Day Two of Youth Conference

July 7, 2011

The second day of youth conference was a little bipolar. After lunch was a lot of free time again because we were supposed to do a service project, but a different stake that had had youth conference there had already done all the service that there was to be done. So a big group, pretty much everyone, walked down to the beach. So me and my one friend went. I took a bunch of pictures and she chased the waves. 

Then I was sitting on a piece of drift wood while she continued to chase the waves and just thought to myself. I watched everyone around in their cliques and  how I didn't fit into any of them. And I felt so alone. Because I couldn't just leave, we were like an hour away from home. And I had dropped my phone in the toilet that morning {the first time I'd ever done something like that!} so I couldn't text anyone, although there was really bad service there.. I hated being there and could not wait to go home. 

There are three things to my depression: being perfect, feeling in control, and everyone having a good opinion of me. So the fact that I had no one hit hard. And I felt worthless. 

So, the dance was the second day and I wasn't excited for it. But I was actually surprised that I had a lot of fun. The cliques really broke more since no one could really talk and you have to be outgoing and talk to new people for stuff like snowball dances and slow songs. I felt incredibly better, and normal. So even after the dance I was feeling outgoing enough to talk to the people in my cabin and such things. 

-Kaylyn

Day #51: Youth Conference

July 6, 2011

My July is crazy. I have youth conference, am home for one day, then I leave to the Oregon coast with my friend, then am home for a day after that, then leave for two weeks to do Crazy For You at BYU. So, let the craziness begin. 

First day of youth conference we went on this hike. And I'm on the youth committee {although I hate it. It makes me feel terrible about myself and adds more pressure to be perfect, which I don't need and won't go into depth about right now} so when the idea for hiking on the first day of youth conference came up I was like yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Then upon starting the hike I realized I'm more of a nature walker than a hiker considering that hike kicked my butt and every other kickable part of me. 

The top had a great view, and we all ate our lunch sitting up there, even though it was only like 10:30, which I don't think many people realized, but oh well. 

The rest of the first day of youth conference: sucked. We had a lot of free time, like, a lot. And I realized quickly that I didn't have any friends. My subconscious naively assumed that when I was on antidepressants I would have friends. That was silly.  Also, being around someone who makes me feel less than stellar about myself for the first time since school ended wasn't fun. And I forgot how much all of that sucked. Me and this other girl in a pretty similar boat hung out the whole time. We literally were lying on my bed talking almost the entire day. I had one other friend I could hang out with in the whole camp who was in my group or family or whatever, so I talked to him and sat next to him when we did things in our families. 

I wanted to go home so badly. All I could think about all day was going home and sleeping. 

-Kaylyn

Day #50: Running

July 5, 2011

I decided to take up running in the morning. So I got new shoes and clothes and such things and set out early in the morning {I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Oh antidepressants, how counterproductive you are right now.} I think I ate too much breakfast, though, because I ran to a middle school that is about a mile away and got crazy side aches. Also, I haven't run in a long time, so two miles round trip is pushing it a little for me. But I got home and cooled off in the sun and it felt awesome. Then I was tired from waking up early and was able to nap for a half an hour. I slept for 3 hours the night before.  Ugh. It was the most optimistic day I've had in longer than I can remember. I just felt good when I woke up. It was nice.

-Kaylyn

Day #49: Benadryl

July 4, 2011

For the Fourth of July we got KFC (I made a salad to bring since I don't fancy meat) and went to a park with the whole family and ate then hiked a little bit, then played pooh sticks at the bridge. Well, we went later in the day so that it wouldn't be as crowded and there are tall trees around which create a lot of shade. So the mosquitoes where out.  And I am crazy allergic to them. One bit me on the back of my arm and it swelled to this huge hive like normal, and my sister had Benadryl in her purse because my nephew has really bad allergies and asked if I wanted some. So I said yes, even though it was kids and cherry flavor (which actually was awesome). It worked like a charm, but made me super sleepy. When we got home I actually napped for a half an hour which is huge because I still couldn't sleep at all from my antidepressants. 

Also, I put bandaids on my bug bites..I always have, and I didn't know it was unusual until, like, last year. 

-Kaylyn