Day #104: Sick

August 28, 2011

I wasn't feeling well, so I went home from church early. I think it may have been because it was my first day back on Citalopram on a higher dose, but I'm not entirely sure. I napped for a good long time when I got home. 

-Kaylyn 

Day #91: Book of Mormon

August 15, 2011

So, I decided to try to read the Book of Mormon in a month, but I was already a little behind so it came to 21 pages a day. I kept along really well for a while. Then I slowly got more and more behind until it became evident that I wouldn't be able to do it at this time. It was kind of just a really bad time to try...

-Kaylyn

Day #86: The Lake

August 10, 2011

Every year before school starts our ward has a barbeque by a nearby lake, and people go tubing and out on the boats and such. It seems like it's always cloudy every year when we do this activity. I don't ever really do much. But my mom makes me go to activities. Even though I don't have anything to do or anyone to be with. I took some neat pictures, though, and some with my Holga which I'm just loaded with black and white film for the first time! So I'm excited to get those prints back when I finish the roll. 

-Kaylyn

Day #85: Date With Sister Shigley

August 9, 2011

So since my young women's leader is moving on Saturday we went on a last date. It was sad and lasted pretty much all day and into the night...I'm going to miss her a lot.

  -Kaylyn

Day #83: Scripture of the Day

August 7, 2011

This one jumped out at me this day (Alma 32:23). That when speaking from the Spirit, even little children can say really profound things. Also, one of my young women's leaders' last Sunday. She's one of my three friends that I actually have here. I'm so glad I'm doing online school this next year. 

-Kaylyn

Day #69: Ducks

July 24, 2011

Sunday was pretty much the only day we had any free time at all. We got to sleep in, then we went to a student ward for sacrament meeting. Then we had free time until a fireside after dinner with Dallyn Bayles, which might I add I was freaking out about. So a bunch of us went out to play in this waterfall by our dorms and take pictures. Then after dinner a group of us sneaked bread out of the Cannon Center and went to feed the ducks:)

-Kaylyn

Day #53: Last Day of Youth Conference

July 8, 2011

I took this picture on the ride home hehe. 

The last day wasn't too bad since I was still feeling better from having a good night the night before. We cleaned the camp faster than expected so we got extra free time {omg.} But I actually talked to some new people between the guitars and the ukes and our singing. Then we had testimony meeting, which I was the first girl to get up and like the 5th person. Whenever the Spirit wants me to do something He makes my heart pound so that I am so uncomfortable I have to do it just to relax hahha.  So I did. Then we all went home, and it was kinda weird. It was like two different days, because I got home at oneish and slept until about 5 or 6 (which is crazy). It was a little silly, and I don't know how I feel about it. Kind of like how I don't know how to feel about youth conference as a whole..on the one hand it made me more depressed than I've been since before school got out, and on the other hand I felt like I did the day before youth conference which was the day I felt more optimistic than I had since I can even remember. I think I'm just going to resort to not thinking about it.

-Kaylyn

Day #52: Day Two of Youth Conference

July 7, 2011

The second day of youth conference was a little bipolar. After lunch was a lot of free time again because we were supposed to do a service project, but a different stake that had had youth conference there had already done all the service that there was to be done. So a big group, pretty much everyone, walked down to the beach. So me and my one friend went. I took a bunch of pictures and she chased the waves. 

Then I was sitting on a piece of drift wood while she continued to chase the waves and just thought to myself. I watched everyone around in their cliques and  how I didn't fit into any of them. And I felt so alone. Because I couldn't just leave, we were like an hour away from home. And I had dropped my phone in the toilet that morning {the first time I'd ever done something like that!} so I couldn't text anyone, although there was really bad service there.. I hated being there and could not wait to go home. 

There are three things to my depression: being perfect, feeling in control, and everyone having a good opinion of me. So the fact that I had no one hit hard. And I felt worthless. 

So, the dance was the second day and I wasn't excited for it. But I was actually surprised that I had a lot of fun. The cliques really broke more since no one could really talk and you have to be outgoing and talk to new people for stuff like snowball dances and slow songs. I felt incredibly better, and normal. So even after the dance I was feeling outgoing enough to talk to the people in my cabin and such things. 

-Kaylyn

Day #51: Youth Conference

July 6, 2011

My July is crazy. I have youth conference, am home for one day, then I leave to the Oregon coast with my friend, then am home for a day after that, then leave for two weeks to do Crazy For You at BYU. So, let the craziness begin. 

First day of youth conference we went on this hike. And I'm on the youth committee {although I hate it. It makes me feel terrible about myself and adds more pressure to be perfect, which I don't need and won't go into depth about right now} so when the idea for hiking on the first day of youth conference came up I was like yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Then upon starting the hike I realized I'm more of a nature walker than a hiker considering that hike kicked my butt and every other kickable part of me. 

The top had a great view, and we all ate our lunch sitting up there, even though it was only like 10:30, which I don't think many people realized, but oh well. 

The rest of the first day of youth conference: sucked. We had a lot of free time, like, a lot. And I realized quickly that I didn't have any friends. My subconscious naively assumed that when I was on antidepressants I would have friends. That was silly.  Also, being around someone who makes me feel less than stellar about myself for the first time since school ended wasn't fun. And I forgot how much all of that sucked. Me and this other girl in a pretty similar boat hung out the whole time. We literally were lying on my bed talking almost the entire day. I had one other friend I could hang out with in the whole camp who was in my group or family or whatever, so I talked to him and sat next to him when we did things in our families. 

I wanted to go home so badly. All I could think about all day was going home and sleeping. 

-Kaylyn

Day #35: Rock Garden

June 20, 2011

Recently when my parents ask me what I want to do for family home evening I really just want to get out of the house and drive, I don't really care where as long as it's a long drive and it's pretty. I love, love, love car rides. Probably more than the destination of them. Well, my dad's the bishop of the singles ward in our area and his ward was going to this rock garden that has sculptures from local artists. So that's where we went, too. It was the first young single adult activity I've been to since my dad became the bishop. The gardens were pretty impressive, I'd never been there before. My favorite sculpture in them was of a rickety train track curving up and breaking off. It was a lovely place.

-Kaylyn

Day #34: Doctrine and Covenants 78: 17-18

June 19, 2011

For youth group last Wednesday the young men and women went to on a temple trip to do baptisms for the dead. After I'm done showering and changing and such and we go sit back in the room with the font to watch everyone else go I always bring my scriptures and journal. It's so quiet in the temple I can get so much reading and studying done, it feels incredible. On this trip I was reading along and found this scripture with screamed out at me so much that before it I wrote "Dear Kaylyn," and after it I wrote "Love, Heavenly Father and Christ." I honestly read it and knew it was just for me right then. Like when I read the line in my patriarchal blessing that had never been there before. It screamed out at me that that was exactly what I needed then. I thought this an appropriate Sunday picture.

-Kaylyn

Day #30: Put on Your Sunday Clothes

June 15, 2011

Put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and out,
Strut down the street and have your picture took
Dressed like a dream your spirits seem to turn about.
That Sunday shine is a certain sign
That you feel as fine as you look!
Beneath your parasol, the world is all a smile
That makes you feel brand new down to your toes.
Get out your feathers,
Your patent leathers,
Your beads and buckles and bows,
For there's no blue Monday in your Sunday clothes!

-Hello Dolly

We had a temple trip today for youth group. It was a grand time. On the way home I noticed a giant bright orange moon, so one of my young women's leaders and I went to take pictures of it. It was like 10 o'clock. We went to this random unsold lot on a hill. I love that little lot. 

-Kaylyn

Day #27: Sticker

June 12, 2011

I was sitting in church today next to my sister who is the secretary in primary. She was making slips for asking kids to give a talk or read a scripture in class and putting stickers on them so she gave me one:)

-Kaylyn

Day #26: Choose the Right

June 11, 2011

 I lost my CTR ring more than a month ago. So I finally picked one online and ordered a new one which took forever to get here because it was on back order. But it finally came! It's a little Noah's ark with giraffes, elephants, lions, wolves, alligators, and monkeys! I love it lots.

-Kaylyn

Day #20: Personal Revelation

June 5, 2011

"I was reading my patriarchal blessing. I read this sentence and was crying before I had even finished reading the sentence. "They will learn to love you for what you are". They will learn. So they really don't already know. But there is still some how hope. And it says what not who. That means being so in love with the Gospel. Being of such high standards. Being different. Dressing different. Acting different. Being silly. They will learn to love me what what I am. It still is making me cry. This sentence wasn't in there before. I have never read it there ever before. I have read my patriarchal blessing tons of times, but I have never read this sentence. Exactly what I needed. Exactly. Perfect wording." - May 8, 2010

-Kaylyn