Day #29: The Bell Jar

June 14, 2011

I finished reading The Bell Jar in photographics class since I finished the final about a week ago. So I spent the entire hour and a half of class reading. And needless to say it made my day a little bizarro.  You know how when you read a book you think about it so much that things that happen in real life feel like the ones happening in the book? Not a good book to do that with. 

Although my day was incredibly..strange..I realized something at the end of the day. That it actually helped me accept my crazy. That it's okay that I don't like or want to talk to people, not specific people, just people. And other types of crazy. Granted, that had made my day kind of sad because I wasn't pretending, but it also made it incredibly honest. It felt cleansing. 

-Kaylyn

Day #28: Post Secret

June 13, 2011

This is what I think of you, Depression. 

I decided to take all the random index cards I had in my room and make as many post secrets as I could think of and just drain myself of everything possible that has ever been a secret in my life. Then I ripped them up viciously.  

Sometimes you need a little souvenir as proof.

-Kaylyn

Day #24: Marc Johns

June 9, 2011

I abhor the word perfect. It seems to have followed me my entire life. Yet it is the one thing that I desperately cling to. Because it's the only goal I have ever known to strive for. It is so frustrating to be called perfect. I hate that word more than I hate anything. I would be the cause of it's grizzly slaughter if that meant it could disappear from my life forever.

{retrospect} I guess no matter how much I hate that word I would never be able to just give it up. At times it has been the only thing I know, or rather the only thing I can never know, which, yes, does make less sense. It's kind of like how some schizophrenics don't want to be treated because they are friends with the things they see and hear that other people don't. If that went away they'd be normal, yes, but they'd be so lonely; they've never known anything else. So as much as I hate perfect with every fiber of my being I can't get rid of it.


-Kaylyn

Day #20: Personal Revelation

June 5, 2011

"I was reading my patriarchal blessing. I read this sentence and was crying before I had even finished reading the sentence. "They will learn to love you for what you are". They will learn. So they really don't already know. But there is still some how hope. And it says what not who. That means being so in love with the Gospel. Being of such high standards. Being different. Dressing different. Acting different. Being silly. They will learn to love me what what I am. It still is making me cry. This sentence wasn't in there before. I have never read it there ever before. I have read my patriarchal blessing tons of times, but I have never read this sentence. Exactly what I needed. Exactly. Perfect wording." - May 8, 2010

-Kaylyn

Day #16: Bare

June 1, 2011

Today I realized how inconvenient it is to not blog on a daily blog in almost a week. Quite inconvenient, indeed. It didn't help that my computer got a virus and that that was part of the reason. 

Anyways, today I got dressed then thought to myself, "It's a red lips day." So I put on red lip stain and liked the red lips no other make up look, so I just dusted on a bit of powder and a few swipes of mascara and called it good. Bright red lips aren't really daring for me {plus they make my green eyes look crazy cool}, but stark no make up is. So much so that I had to put on at least a tiny bit of mascara to be able to pull of the look I wanted for the day. 

Also, you may notice in this picture that I have a section of eyelashes missing. You can't really tell when I wear eye liner, and sometimes when I'm not people will ask me about it. It's a scar from having chicken pox when I was little. Cool story, huh? It's pretty much the only scar I have left. I bruise really easily, but all of the scars I get fade away.

-Kaylyn

Day #15: On The Go

May 31, 2011

Every time I go to see my therapist I have to travel like 45 minutes and be picked up from school early. But I love car rides and not being in school, so I am not complaining. After my appointment I asked my mom if we could get food since I hadn't eaten since lunch and she suggested Krispy Kreme because the closest one to us was in that city. I suggested something more foody and asked if she knew where a Haggens was because I love sushi, and I love Haggenese, but had never had Haggen sushi. She responded by saying, "Yeah, there's one by Krispy Kreme." Perfect! Sushi and doughnuts! Plus I hadn't been to Krispy Kreme in years. Also, I got an Odwalla drink, because I've tried Naked Fruit and really liked it and all Haggens had was Odwalla. I like Naked better. Next perfect thing: I love Oreos and they had an Oreo cream doughnut. How lovely!

-Kaylyn

Day #8: Bad Day

 May 24, 2011

I was just trying to apologize..

-Kaylyn

Day #2: Pudge

 May 18, 2011

While planning this post I was debating the controversial amount of personal information I was planning on putting in it. And I decided {although I never really had to debate it} that I don't mind the personal information. Isn't that what this project is for? Besides, I'm not ashamed of the things I will say over the year about myself that people would view as personal. The only doubt I have about writing them is that people may find it awkward to read or be around me after "admitting" to things. But honestly, I don't see the trouble with it at all, anyways. So I decided upon a disclaimer.

So, I bought a new fish. The first fish I bought was also a male Betta, but he was redder with periwinkle freckles and didn't have a crown tail like this one. I decided to buy him because I was going to start seeing a therapist for my depression which made me think of the movie What About Bob? which is a grand old time with Bill Murray. In it the character Bill Murray plays a man who is a severe hypochondriac. His only buddy is a goldfish named Gill because human friends are usually annoyed by how silly he is. So I decided I should have a fish and name it Gill in honor of my baby steps to recovery {reference joke}.

Gill, however only lived a short 13 days. I loved that little fish more than is probably healthy. He was extremely hyperactive, and developed a rip in his tail and soon after clamped his fins shut until the day he died, which is a bad sign. I did all of the research I possibly could for him and tried ever so hard to keep him alive. I was always extremely worried about him and could sense something was wrong, and every moment was worried that I was killing him {I drove my family insane with my worries about Gill}. When I came home to see he had ripped his tail fin I cried uncontrollably while researching frantically what could have gone wrong and how I could help him and what I had done to cause it. I thought it was fin rot, but then decided that it wasn't and he must have ripped it on a plastic plant in his tank.

You see, to me Gill meant recovery. And he loved me unconditionally. The fact that I was killing him killed me. That I couldn't even take care of a fish, the only thing that I felt like loved me no matter what, and would never be disappointed in me or mad at me or hate me. I was devastated when his fin ripped and did everything I could think of. Complete water changes, special food, extra attention, calmer water; I could not handle that fish dying so soon.

Alas, Gill died before the two week warranty from Pet Smart was up, meaning he probably wasn't at full health when I got him. I cried less when he died, probably because I had let all my sadness out on his fin rip. I buried him and had my sister and nephew help me, because I couldn't possibly take care of that dead fish, not Gill.

I finally got a chance between school, homework, naps, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang rehearsals to get a new fish. I named him Pudge after the fish in Lilo and Stitch, which by the way is my favorite movie. I love him so much, but am now able to let myself be less paranoid about his health. Pudge is quite the beauty, and his crown tail is lovely. He's a bit more skittish than Gill was, but he's just getting used to his new home. He's a light lavender color and has black spots on his head and upper body. May Pudge live a long and beautiful life.

Hula Teacher: Lilo, why are you all wet?

Lilo: It's sandwich day. Every Thursday I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich...

Hula Teacher: "Pudge" is a.. fish?

Lilo: And today we were out of peanut butter. So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said "a tuna sandwich". I can't give Pudge tuna!

[whispering]

Lilo: Do you know what tuna is?

Hula Teacher: ..Fish?

Lilo: [Hysterical] It's fish! If I give Pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to go to the store and get peanut butter 'cause all we have is... is... stinkin' tuna!

Hula Teacher: Lilo, Lilo, why is this so important to you?

Lilo: [Calm] Pudge controls the weather.

-Kaylyn