Day #2: Pudge

 May 18, 2011

While planning this post I was debating the controversial amount of personal information I was planning on putting in it. And I decided {although I never really had to debate it} that I don't mind the personal information. Isn't that what this project is for? Besides, I'm not ashamed of the things I will say over the year about myself that people would view as personal. The only doubt I have about writing them is that people may find it awkward to read or be around me after "admitting" to things. But honestly, I don't see the trouble with it at all, anyways. So I decided upon a disclaimer.

So, I bought a new fish. The first fish I bought was also a male Betta, but he was redder with periwinkle freckles and didn't have a crown tail like this one. I decided to buy him because I was going to start seeing a therapist for my depression which made me think of the movie What About Bob? which is a grand old time with Bill Murray. In it the character Bill Murray plays a man who is a severe hypochondriac. His only buddy is a goldfish named Gill because human friends are usually annoyed by how silly he is. So I decided I should have a fish and name it Gill in honor of my baby steps to recovery {reference joke}.

Gill, however only lived a short 13 days. I loved that little fish more than is probably healthy. He was extremely hyperactive, and developed a rip in his tail and soon after clamped his fins shut until the day he died, which is a bad sign. I did all of the research I possibly could for him and tried ever so hard to keep him alive. I was always extremely worried about him and could sense something was wrong, and every moment was worried that I was killing him {I drove my family insane with my worries about Gill}. When I came home to see he had ripped his tail fin I cried uncontrollably while researching frantically what could have gone wrong and how I could help him and what I had done to cause it. I thought it was fin rot, but then decided that it wasn't and he must have ripped it on a plastic plant in his tank.

You see, to me Gill meant recovery. And he loved me unconditionally. The fact that I was killing him killed me. That I couldn't even take care of a fish, the only thing that I felt like loved me no matter what, and would never be disappointed in me or mad at me or hate me. I was devastated when his fin ripped and did everything I could think of. Complete water changes, special food, extra attention, calmer water; I could not handle that fish dying so soon.

Alas, Gill died before the two week warranty from Pet Smart was up, meaning he probably wasn't at full health when I got him. I cried less when he died, probably because I had let all my sadness out on his fin rip. I buried him and had my sister and nephew help me, because I couldn't possibly take care of that dead fish, not Gill.

I finally got a chance between school, homework, naps, and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang rehearsals to get a new fish. I named him Pudge after the fish in Lilo and Stitch, which by the way is my favorite movie. I love him so much, but am now able to let myself be less paranoid about his health. Pudge is quite the beauty, and his crown tail is lovely. He's a bit more skittish than Gill was, but he's just getting used to his new home. He's a light lavender color and has black spots on his head and upper body. May Pudge live a long and beautiful life.

Hula Teacher: Lilo, why are you all wet?

Lilo: It's sandwich day. Every Thursday I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich...

Hula Teacher: "Pudge" is a.. fish?

Lilo: And today we were out of peanut butter. So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said "a tuna sandwich". I can't give Pudge tuna!

[whispering]

Lilo: Do you know what tuna is?

Hula Teacher: ..Fish?

Lilo: [Hysterical] It's fish! If I give Pudge tuna, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to go to the store and get peanut butter 'cause all we have is... is... stinkin' tuna!

Hula Teacher: Lilo, Lilo, why is this so important to you?

Lilo: [Calm] Pudge controls the weather.

-Kaylyn